Local food

Yesterday I ground up 5 kilos of home made minced meat from a "home grown" cow. 

This cow refused to be caught when the outdoor season was over. She took off into the mountains, and lived her happy free range life for a while longer. But eventually it got so cold that it was irresponsible to leave her outside, and since she still refused to be caught, my son-in-law had to shoot her. Fortunately he has access to a fully equipped and licensed slaughter facility because he also hunts and handles deer. Now every freezer in the family is filled up with meat. Can you imagine the amount of meat there is on a fully grown cow? 

This is truly local food, with no additives, and flavored by the great outdoors. We are so lucky and grateful to have access to this kind of food!

Remembering Geir Espen

Today was the last of the recognized traumatic "first anniversaries" since the death of a loved one, in our case the death of our son Geir Espen. Today was one year since his funeral. 

Around midday today the sound of ringing bells from the church across the lake where we had the funeral service, brought back sensations of that day last year. 

Some of our relatives who had arrived the evening before the funeral had expressed a wish to see Geir Espen one last time, and this was arranged for just before the service. 

While there, by his coffin, we were invited by the funeral service representative to perform the traditional last rites for the dead. So Sigve and I proceeded to cover Geir Espen's face with the Face Cloth, symbolizing that no human will remove it before God himself removes it. Then we put the lid on the coffin, tightened the screws, and the six of us who were there carried Geir Espen's body out to the car that would take him to the church for the service. 

It was such a profound moment and act, and all I could think was that one month short of thirty years earlier I had given birth to Geir Espen, and now I had to bury him. 

It's been a strange year 

filled with grief for a lost son,

 and gratitude for a son's life.

Some dear friends sent us this lovely poem:

My Creed

Norsk tekst under bildet.

I have been a born again christian all my life. I was taught to trust and fear God, love Jesus, believe in the Bible and that Christianity was the only true Way. God was good, just and almighty, and He kept his eye on me. He was looking for good and bad, and was always considering whether I was worthy of Him or not. And for years I thought I was fine with that. 

But I was in a constant state of bad conscience with feelings of not being quite good enough, not quite measuring up.

Then things happened in my life that made me really question what I believed. In 2010 my husband was diagnosed with leukemia, was successfully treated, and has made it so far. 

In July 2012 our 29 year old son died.

I want to emphasize that the following is not a case of “oh, how could this happen to me”, or “why did this happen to me”. I have always seen that these things happen to others, so why should they not happen to me some day? 

I was asked/told "isn't is wonderful to have God in your life to help you through this?" and “the Lord will give you strength”.

These statements made it possible for me to verbalize thoughts I had already had. 

I discovered that when I really needed him, God was not there. There was nothing there. It had all been theory, it did not work in real life. Whatever strength has gotten me through the last 3 years, I have found in myself. God simply was not there. 

I started thinking that what I had been taught couldn’t possibly be true. I realized that I had to think things through for myself. I could no longer blindly accept what I had been told, and ended up having to reevaluate everything I had believed in so far.

So I talked to therapists, ministers and friends, and I was challenged to define my image of god. As it turned out, I had to redefine god totally, and I found that my traditional god fell apart. I realized I had to get rid of some old baggage for my life to make sense again. 

My studies and thoughts over the last months have led me to this:

I believe that someone/something, a creator/spirit, created the universe and all living things in it. I think two sets of laws were given. Physical laws make the physical universe, including our world, work, and spiritual laws make us divine beings. I think that the spiritual laws give us resources that we can bring out, develop and use to get us through whatever life brings.

I also think it stops there. From there on we are on our own. I no longer believe in a personal god that interacts with me or with humanity as a whole. 

We are each of us responsible for our own lives which we create with our very powerful thoughts. We, and our thoughts are energy, and the frequency that we radiate to the universe is equally returned to us. So if we radiate negativity, negativity is returned. Likewise with love, positivity and gratitude. If we really knew how strong this effect is, we would never again let a negative thought cross our mind. 

I also think random things happen. Like the fact that I was born in one of the richest countries in the world, with all the rights and privileges that involves. It means that my husband could have a million dollar treatment that didn't cost us a cent. Our son also had all the free medical help he needed. 

Another point is that my part of the world hardly ever experiences natural disasters.

It seems unlikely that some god should be in a position to pick and choose who gets to be born where, who wins and who loses in this game.

I can no longer accept that a “loving god” would let random people suffer. 

Why would he give me enough to eat and a roof over my head, and at the same time let thousands of children in another part of the world die from hunger? 

Why would he let me get home safely on a dark night, and at the same time let thousands of other women and girls be raped? 

Why would he not intervene when atrocities happen in his name?

The distribution of good and evil seems to be evenly split in and between christian and secular circles, so is there really any “power” in the gospel?

Blaming it on free will, evil or god's mysterious ways is just an easy way to excuse god from any responsibility, if one believes that he is in charge. When we let our egos take over, evil things happen, but we can not blame it on some evil being outside ourselves.

It seems unreasonable to me that a “good god” would condemn anyone to eternal damnation for not believing or loving him the “right“ way. I don't think we were born deserving a death sentence, nor that we at some point grew into evil beings. I believe we were designed and created acceptable, and stay that way. No alternative plan is needed. I am done with a god that needs to be feared.

Consequently, when I believe there is no hell, there is also nothing I need to be saved from, and the whole sin, salvation and reconciliation idea falls to pieces.

I think our purpose on this earth is, among other things, love and gratitude, for ourselves, those close to us, all mankind, nature and our environment. This is also the essence of the christian values I have been taught. But I would be arrogant if I claimed them to be only christian values. These thoughts are also included in other ancient scriptures, many of which were written down long before the christian bible.

I think the bible was inspired by man's divinity. As I can no longer believe in a personal god that interacts with us, the bible can not have been influenced by such a god. But I think that, in addition to a lot of material that only concerns the time when it was written, it also contains much wisdom, and that the most important principles it teaches are love, gratitude, equality, acceptance and forgiveness, and they are good life guidelines. But let's not forget that in many passages god also appears as an absolute monster. 

We live in a universe that has more than 500 billion galaxies, with more that 100 billion solar systems in each one. I think everything was made by the same creator, and that the physical and spiritual laws govern them all.

How likely is it that the creator would choose one area, on one planet, in one solar system, in one galaxy as his favorite place and favorite people? Most likely there are more planets just like ours. To claim that it is not so would be us limiting the Creator.

I find it absurd that we have taken a 4000 year old Bedouin cult, with the attitudes and traditions that existed then, and turned it into a guide for life in 2013, and expect it to work!

So as it turned out, the image I had of God was totally wrong for me, and I had to change it for my life to make sense. For now, these thoughts work for me. All our beliefs are interpretations, either our own or someone else’s, and each of us has to choose what’s right for us.

My testimony is that I have never felt so free and liberated as I do now! I am rid of all burdens and striving, and the do's and don'ts in order to be accepted by the Being who created me. 

And if I am wrong, if god does exist, and if he is the biblical god, he is either good, knows my background, understands my process, and still accepts me as I am. Or he does not accept me, and will punish me for thinking outside of his box. That would make him an evil, vindictive god that I want nothing to do with anyway.

I am done with a god that needs to be feared and revered. 

I consider this my spiritual awakening, and I rejoice in it!

Jeg har vært en kristen hele mitt liv. Jeg ble opplært til å frykte og stole på Gud, elske Jesus, og tro på Bibelen og kristendommen som det eneste rette. Gud var god, snill, rettferdig og allmektig, og så holdt han øye med meg, på godt og vondt (vær forsiktig lille barn hva du gjør) og vurderte om jeg var god nok for ham. I all år trodde jeg at det var ok for meg. Men jeg levde med en dårlig samvittighet, og følelsen av aldri å være god nok, ikke strekke til.

Så skjedde det ting i livet mitt som gjorde at jeg begynte å stille spørsmål. Sigve fikk kreft og Geir Espen døde. Dette var ikke et utslag av “dette kan ikke skje meg” eller “hvorfor skjer dette meg?” Jeg har alltid tenkt at sånne ting skjer alle andre, så hvorfor skulle det ikke skje meg en dag?

Jeg opplevde å bli spurt/fortalt at “tenk så heldige vi er som har troen på Gud til å hjelpe oss gjennom sånt som dette. Vi får jo hjelp og styrke osv”.

Da var det at jeg endelig kunne sette ord på, for meg selv, det jeg hadde følt lenge, at når jeg virkelig trengte Gud, så var han ikke der. Det var ingenting der. Den styrken jeg har hatt, det som har fått meg gjennom alt dette, har jeg funnet, og jobbet fram i meg selv.

Jeg begynte å tenke at ting kan umulig være sånn som det jeg er blitt fortalt. Jeg fant ut at dette måtte jeg tenke grundig gjennom selv, og ikke lenger bare blindt akseptere det jeg har blitt fortalt. Jeg endte opp med å måtte revurdere alt jeg til da hadde trodd på.

Jeg hadde allerede kontakt med en terapeut, men hun følte seg ikke kvalifisert til å gi råd om dette temaet, så hun satte meg i kontakt med en sykehusprest. Hun utfordret meg til å finne ut hvem jeg ville at Gud skulle være for meg. Jeg har tenkt, lest og diskutert, ikke minst med Sigve, og vi er kommet fram til veldig like standpunkt.

Det jeg er kommet fram til er dette:

Jeg tror at vi mennesker, alle andre levende vesener og universet antagelig er skapt av noe/noen som jeg kaller en Skaper. En kunne også kalle det en gud, men for meg er det begrepet for belastet. Jeg tror at skaperen gav oss to ting med på veien. Det ene er fysiske naturlover som får alt til å fungere. Det andre er åndelige lover som gjør oss alle til guddommelige vesener.  Jeg tror at vi fra skapelsen av er utstyrt med resurser vi kan hente fram og bruke for å komme oss gjennom det som måtte dukke opp I  livet vårt.

Men der stopper det. Fra der av er vi på egen hånd. Jeg tror ikke lenger at det finnes en personlig gud som blander seg inn i eller detaljstyrer mitt liv, eller menneskeheten. Hver enkelt av oss har ansvar for å skape og leve vårt eget liv på best mulig måte. Jeg tror at vi skaper og påvirker livet vårt med tankene våre, og tankene er utrolig kraftfulle. Vi og tankene våre er energi, og den energifrekvensen vi sender ut i universet, kommer likt tilbake til oss. Hvis vi sender ut negativitet, får vi negativitet tilbake. Hvis vi visste hvor sterk denne effekten er, ville vi aldri mer tenke en negative tanke.

Jeg tror også at mye av det som skjer er, eller skyldes tilfeldigheter. F.eks. det at jeg er født i et av verdens rikeste land, med alle de fordeler det har, og hvor vi så godt som aldri er utsatt for naturkatastrofer. Det virker helt usannsynlig for meg at det skulle være en gud som bestemmer hvem skal bli født hvor, hvem skal være de heldige og hvem skal være de uheldige i dette spillet.

Vi lever i et univers hvor det beviselig finnes mer enn 500 billioner galakser med minst 100 billioner solsystemer i hver galakse. Jeg tror at alt er skapt av dennne Skaperen, og at naturlovene og de åndelige lovene gjelder for hele universet. At skaperen da skulle velge seg ut et landområde (midtøsten) på en klode i et solsystem i en galakse som sitt favorittsted og favorittfolk virker helt ulogisk for for meg. Mest sannsynlig finnes det mange kloder som vår med liv på.  Å hevde noe annet ville bety at vi pålegger skaperen/gud begrensninger.

Jeg kan ikke lenger akseptere at en “god gud” lar tilfeldige mennesker lide. At han skulle bry seg om at jeg har nok mat og et tak over hodet samtidig som tusenvis av små barn dør av sult. At jeg kommer meg trygt hjem en mørk kveld, og samtidig blir tusenvis av andre jenter og kvinner voldtatt. At han ikke griper inn når uhyrligheter skjer i hans navn.

Fordelingen av godt og ondt ser ut til å være nokså likt fordelt i kristne og ikke kristne kretser, så hvordan er det egentlig med den såkalte “kraften” i evangeliet?

Å begrunne det med fri vilje, syndefall, ondskap og gud’s uransakelige veier blir en altfor lettvint måte å frigjøre gud for ansvar, hvis en tror at han står bak. Jeg tror ikke en god skaper vil dømme noen til evig pine fordi en ikke tror eller tenker “rett” om ham. Det blir urimelig. Jeg tror ikke han først har designet og skapt noe godt, og senere har funnet ut at nei, det ble feil, for så å finne på en alternativ plan.

En konsekvens av dette blir at når jeg ikke lenger tror det finnes et helvete, er det heller ikke noe en trenger å bli frelst fra, og hele budskapet om synd, frelse og forsoning faller på sine egen urimelighet.

Jeg tror at meningen med livet vårt her på jorda er kjærlighet, til oss selv, våre nærmeste, alle mennesker, naturen og miljøet. Det er og essensen i de kristne verdiene vi har blitt lært opp i. Men jeg kan ikke være så arrogant at jeg tror det er bare kristendommen som har disse verdiene. Mange av disse tankene finnes det belegg for i bibelen, men de finnes også i andre åndelige skrifter, og mange av dem er skrevet ned lenge før bibelen. Jeg tror bibelen er ei bok som er inspirert av det guddommelige i mennesket. Siden jeg ikke tror at det finnes en gud som griper inn i våre liv, så kan bibelen heller ikke være diktert av en gud. Men jeg tror den, i tillegg til veldig mye stoff som utelukkende kan angå dens samtid, også inneholder mye visdom, og at de viktigste prinsipper den lærer er om kjærlighet, likhet, aksept og tilgivelse, og det er gode rettesnorer for livet. Men la oss heller ikke glemme at gud flere steder framstår som et monster.

Jeg synes det er absurd at vi bruker en 4000 år gammel beduinerkult, med de holdninger og tradisjoner som rådde den gang, f.eks. kvinnesynet, som rettesnor for livet i dag, og tror at det vil fungere!

Jeg oppdaget altså at det gudsbildet jeg hadde var helt feil for meg, og at jeg måtte forandre det for å få tilværelsen min til å gå ihop. Alt er jo bare tolkninger, og akkurat nå er dette det rette for meg. 

Mitt vitnespyrd er at jeg aldri har følt meg så fri og lettet som jeg gjør nå. Jeg er kvitt alle byrder og streving for å leve opp til et kristent ideal, alle gjør og ikke gjør for å bli akseptert av en gud som, hvis man skal ta med noe fra bibelen, så på meg og så at jeg var god, men likevel ikke god nok. 
Jeg er overbevist om at jeg er god nok som jeg er.

Og hvis jeg nå tar feil, og gud likevel finnes, og han er den tradisjonelle bibelens gud, så er han enten god, kjenner bakgrunnen min, forstår prosessen min og godtar meg som jeg er. Eller så godtar han meg ikke, og vil straffe meg for å tenke feil, og da er han en ondskapsfull og hevngjerrig gud som jeg uansett ikke ønsker å ha noe med å gjøre. Jeg er ferdig med en gud som trenger å fryktes og æres.

Jeg ser på dette som min åndelige oppvåkning, og jeg gleder meg over den! 

Article in norwegian magazine "Familien"

In October, a norwegian weekly magazine "Familien" ran an article 

featuring Gerd, Sigve and I. The headline reads: 

Gerd saved her brother Sigve's life

(by donating stem cells)

The article is in norwegian, but you can try to google translate, 

or just look at the pictures :-)

How Life Plays Tricks On Us

Our 29 year old son has had health issues since he was 13, when he was diagnosed with both Diabetes and Addison's disease (a rare chronic endocrine disorder in which the adrenal glands do not produce sufficient steroid hormones). Diabetes is well known to most, the second one is less common. These two disorders work against each other and make them both complicated to manage.

On Saturday morning, 

our son was found dead in his flat 

by the home care nurse that checked up on him daily. 

He died from medical complications of his two disorders. 

We all know that life is fragile.

One small phone call, 

"we regret to inform you that your son is dead,"

and in those five seconds

everything is turned upside down.

We have known this could happen, 

but you can never be prepared for death,

and parents should never have to bury a child.

We are devastated.

Our son Geir Espen

born August 24, 1982

died July 14, 2012

He is free now, 

and may he rest in peace.

Adventurous travel takes on a whole new meaning

Unfortunately, I’m not the calm, cool and collected person that Sigve is. When something unplanned for and unexpected happens, he’s just that, calm, cool and collected. I’m not.

We got to Barcelona Airport early on Monday, and had plenty of leisure time before our flight home.

Half an hour before the scheduled departure at 5.10 pm, we were told that a bomb threat in Amsterdam had delayed all flights out of Schiphol, and subsequently all flights to Schiphol. The captain and another flight officer mingled with the waiting passengers at the gate, giving out information and answering questions. At least one hour delay.

We settled down to read. At 5.30 pm I went to the desk to ask about internet connection, and just happened to mention our connection to Stavanger. Big stir. No, we would not make that connection, and we had been rebooked on Lufthansa (we were on KLM) via Frankfurt, departing in less than an hour. “Go to belt 6, pick up your suitcases, go outside, check in again at Lufthansa, go back through security and the plane leaves at 6.35 pm.”

This is where the not being calm, cool and collected comes in. I took off, Sigve could barely keep up with me. Fould Belt 6. No suitcases. Asked at Ground Force information. They recommended we wait another 10 mins, if still no suitcases, we should file missing luggage report, and just fly. So done. The conveyor belt remains empty.

Then being told we had waited in vain anyway as they had refused to open the cargo hold and offload suitcases, when already being so late. I know this sounds weird as we are frequently told that they have to offload suitcases if the owners are not on board. Anyway, starting paper work, describing the suitcases etc. Computer system goes down. The guy says ”go, I will call you with the reference number in a few minutes.” We go, through costums to arrival hall, departure hall, and to Lufthansa check-in counter. The guy looks like a question mark, but hands us our boarding cards. Gate? Check the screens! The luggage guy calls with the reference number.

Security. Fortunately no waiting. But since we last went through security, I had bought a bottle of diet coke, now stowed in my purse. We had also bought our quota of duty free wine, and had stowed some of it in our carry-ons. Unpack, rearrange, remember to take out computer and other liquids too. Exept for the coke bottle. I go through the screening portal. Beeping, and I’m wearing the same as before. I know I have no metal on me. Body search, shoe screening. Then, pointing to my purse, ”Do you have a bottle in there?” I’m like a question mark before it dawns on me. Of course I do. ”Mam, you can not take that through with you!” As if I don’t know that…

Repacking, stowing, stuffing. Running.

In hind sight, it must have totally unnessecary to go out and then back in, especially since we had no suitcases to check. But nobody said that, I did not think, I was going on auto pilot, just doing what we were told.

This flight is delayed too, so I get a five minute breather. We did not get seats together, so I ask the air hostess if changing is possible, and it is. She notices that I have been running, and as I stow my carry-on, I tell her what has happened.  ”Can I get you something to drink right now?” Bless her.

The light is fading, and I get my last outdoor shots of the day out of the plane window.

Frankfurt. Just enough time to make the next flight. But my adrenalin rush is over and my feet will not move faster than a slow walk. The lady at the transfer desk says that they are boarding in 10 mins, and "you need to get there fast". Fortunately the tunnel has an moving walk-way.

Delayed again. Arrived in Stavanger at 00.10 am.

Heaven knows where our luggage is. The reference number from Barcelona gave my name as Irina Ivanova. The luggage guy said that with my blond hair I looked like I could be an Irina Ivanova. It did not feel like a complement. Somewhere in Russia a person called Inger-Marie Sæverud must be trying to claim her suitcases.

Our friend Einar was waiting patiently, and drove us to his house where our car was parked. Got home at 03.15 am. A few hours sleep. Sigve went to work, and I started my day having my morning coffee in a hot bath to unwind from it all.



Sometimes I wish I was the calm, cool and collected person that Sigve is...


I'm so grateful for:
* Getting to go away together on a much needed vacation
* Meeting awesome people who became wonderful friends
* Being safe




UPDATE:
Our suitcases were delivered to us two days later :-)